...FROM YOU! I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

 
9/11

today feels strangely normal. hard to imagine the shit that went down a year ago. it's one of those events that seem like a distant memory, considering how quickly we've returned to normalcy. but at the same time we all remember it like it was yesterday. everyone knows where they were and what they were doing.

it seemed like a movie. of course it did. we live in the united states of hollywood.

so many big things going on in the world. makes the little dramas in my life seem trivial. i lost a battle with nicotine last night. had a full cigarette. god it felt good. why am i even trying to quit anyway? it all came about after a wicked hangover. and then when i found out how incredibly hard it was to quit, and it made me want to quit even more. but i hate myself right now. i cant stop talking about it. i've become a whiny little bitch. i like the smoker as a person better than the non-smoker. i think i should just shut the fuck up and have a cigarette. 8 fucking days. how pathetic. with all the shit going on in this world my addiction to cigarettes should be the least of my worries.

dont know if it was the chemical imbalances in my head cause by nicotine withdrawl or the anniversy of 9/11 but i've been feeling pretty out of it lately. reality just seems like one big dream. my dreams are lucid and bizarre. weird impending sense of doom. will i die today? im going to the beach after work, hope i dont die. hope a plane doesnt fall out of the sky. hope i dont get into a car accident, especially since i havent been wearing a seat belt lately. no reason. subconscious decisions.

drama at work. not involving me, but people around me. i sit back and watch but pretend to be busy. once again i find myself in the role of the watcher.


maybe thats why i feel so disconnected to my surroundings. always find myself in seemingly normal situations that make truth indeed stranger than fiction. perhaps that's why i feel out of it. normal, "boring" everyday life becomes interesting while blockbuster movies and gripping fictional tales become trite and cliche. this is the introduction to the opposites. my dreams at night feel absolutely real. im running, jumping, and even flying and when i wake up i feel completely worn out, spent. in real life i feel disconnected, out of it, as if in a 'dream-like' state. i've met stoners who claim to smoke just to feel normal. "huh huh, it's like, when i'm sober, i'm like, high". well said chewey, i feel ya.